Connect More, Tip 3: Have Check-Ins
How did your family screen night go? Are you a master of Among Us? Did you open your own TikTok? Some parents have become viral stars on there during the pandemic! As I promised last week, this idea doesn’t have anything to do with our first two topics: family screen-free nights or family screen nights, but is something that I think will definitely help you feel more connected to your loved ones. This week, I want you to consider adding scheduled check-ins to your family routine. Read on to find out WHAT a ‘check-in’ is and WHY it benefits your family.
Oftentimes I read about family meetings and how important they are to build connections in a family. Family meetings can be beneficial, but they might feel a little formal, or like they need an agenda - things to talk about, problems to solve, etc.
A “check-in” is different. It moves more quickly. Yes, it’s scheduled and it becomes a routine for the family, but it’s less formal. For family check-ins, the only thing needed is everyone in the room together. You don’t need a family mission statement or family goals. Families can check in at dinner, before bed, in the car on the way back from an activity like a game or dance class, or any other time during the afternoon or evening when your family can get together.
Start simple. Everyone in the family takes turns to share a high point and a low point of their day. You can call it a high/low of the day, best/worst part of the day, a rose/thorn from the day, a rainbow/cloud from the day, or anything your family wants to call it, as long as everyone has a chance to share. At first, your kids (read: tweens and teens) might be resistant. When you bring it up, you might get a sigh and an eye roll. Maybe, for the first few times, they say ‘no thanks,’ when it is their turn. Let them do just that. Don’t push it. Don’t argue. Don’t fight. Allow them to pass, model how to use the check-in as a way to connect and share, and as long as they can sit and listen to others, continue your check-ins despite their external desire to quickly wrap it up and move on. Trust the process and see that eventually, they might start to open up.
Our family check-in evolved over time. We started with just one or two things to check in about, and now our check-in has about six different questions added, each added by different people in the family over time.
Once you get in the routine of a high/low, here are some more things you could add in:
3 things you are grateful for
1 joke or riddle
Air to clear with a family member - could be something you wanted to talk to them about that they did/said or something you want to talk with your family about that you did/said. If you have nothing to share, you can pass that part. This is an excellent way for parents to model handling conflict in a respectful way and/or owning behavior and apologizing.
Something you did today that you were proud of
A goal or intention for tomorrow
Projects you are working on for school/work
Something you are looking forward to
The funniest part of your day
A challenge you overcame during the day
What else can you think of? There are endless ideas! Remember to take it slow and add in new parts of the check-in only as your family is ready, and only if you want to.
Try not to get discouraged. Check-ins vary in our house based on energy level, teenage crankiness, and the general pace of the house. Sometimes, they are superficial. Sometimes, they don’t happen. But, they remain a constant and have been helpful for learning about things that happen during the day or how a family member is feeling that they may have never shared about otherwise.
Does once a day sound like too much or are you a family with a visitation schedule? Make a schedule that works for you. Maybe you start with Family Check-In Sundays, or only do it on the days you are all together, or maybe you and your partner have check-ins even when your child is with their other parent. This is YOUR family routine and YOUR family. Do what works for you.
Next week, we are back with our final idea for something you can add to your family routine to help build connection and bonding in 2021. This idea will help your family improve their connection by helping to build a rhythm
We would love to hear how this works for you and your family. If you feel like your family is struggling to connect or you would really like to implement them but don’t know where to get started, we are here to help!
Healing Hart Wellness provides wellness support to children, young adults, and their parents through individual and family therapy, parenting support, and yoga/meditation instruction. Clients who work with providers at HHW struggle to cope with anxiety and manage stress, need strategies to increase organization/focus/impulse control, or are navigating BIG life changes like divorce, moving, or graduating high school.
Please feel free to reach out to us to connect by emailing Courtney Hart at courtney@healinghartwellness.com.