Parents: Where is your self-compassion?

I got a call from a friend recently. She was in total disarray. Her daughter had stayed home sick from school for some time and had gotten used to it,  and when the time came for her to go back, she begged and pleaded, tears and all, to stay home. When her mother insisted she go to school, she cried all the way to school and then had a meltdown in the parking lot. The teachers on duty came to my friend’s rescue and helped to retrieve her child, helping her into class.

My friend was a complete mess, thinking she was a bad mother. She thought this event was traumatizing to her child, and believed that she would never forgive her. My friend blamed herself for the entire situation and everything that just unfolded in front of what felt like the entire school. My friend told me about her day, and she made a statement that I have heard from the vast majority of the parents:

Being a parent is hard!

We never feel good enough, the way we anticipate that things will play out nearly never ends up being the case. And when they don't, we blame ourselves, condemn our children, attempt to exert even more control, and increase the amount of pressure we put on them. We start to feel anxious and down in the dumps. When we do this, we look at our friends, relatives,  neighbors, and even strangers and make comparisons between ourselves and them. We lose sleep. Where did we go wrong? Is there any way to get off of this roller coaster that just keeps going and going?

 I listened to my friend, and then I reminded her to be less judgmental and harsh on herself. I asked her: where is your self compassion? . It is all too common that we are hard on ourselves when situations get tough. It is essential for us as parents to treat ourselves with kindness. If we fail to achieve our own expectations as parents, we are likely to be far more severe and cruel to ourselves than we would ever be to any of our friends or family members. When we show compassion and kindness to ourselves, we are able to respond to challenging situations in the same way that a trusted friend who seems like they have it all together, might. When we show compassion and kindness to ourselves, we are able to experience greater levels of happiness and provide superior care for our children. Instead of dwelling on our flaws, we should concentrate on providing for the well-being of our kids.

What is self-compassion?

Turning one's loving consciousness toward a trying situation is the first stage, which is accomplished through mindfulness. The next part is to have compassion for oneself, which is bringing loving awareness to oneself, through two steps: remembering our common humanity and practicing kindness to ourselves. During the challenging times in our life, we may cultivate a feeling of warm, connected presence by combining the practices of mindfulness with self-compassion.

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is key to self-compassion. Being completely present, being aware of where we are and what we are doing, and not being excessively reactive or overwhelmed by what is going on around us are all aspects of mindfulness. Mindfulness is a basic human skill that we are capable of achieving. Mindfulness helps us realize when we're struggling, whether through parenting or another source. Mistakes and hardships drive us to overstress. When we realize how unpleasant and unhelpful our ideas may be, we can be gentle to ourselves, love ourselves. This helps us focus on our children rather than our flaws. Taking tiny pauses to check in with your emotions and be present is vital to your happiness and contentment, which can help you handle your parenting responsibilities. In addition, it is essential to keep in mind that our mind has an effect on our children, and that our children will fare better if we exercise self-compassion, practice mindfulness, and do not overly blame or shame ourselves when our children are having difficulties.

So like my friend's story, had her reaction been more mindful and if she was able to be more compassionate towards herself, she would have forgone the suffering she endured that day. In fact, upon picking up her child she realized quickly that despite the morning’s offerings, her daughter's day only got better and was pleased to see she held no grudge. However, her day was filled with remorse and guilt and wasn’t alleviated on her own but by the moment her daughter presented with good spirits. 

How do we practice mindfulness?

Being mindful is doing something on purpose, being present to the moment and what it brings to us. We often run through the day doing mundane tasks from muscle memory, however when we are mindful , we perform the task with more attention to detail, remaining in the moment and completing it with confidence. To practice being mindful, the next time that you are driving, practice truly focusing on the drive. Feel the steering wheel under your hand, see the lines on the road, and maybe even open the window to feel the breeze on your skin. Another way to practice being mindful is to focus on a body part such as the sole of your foot, feeling it, really feeling it, on the ground or in your shoe. You can also practice by taking breaths and focusing on your breathing While you breathe, you can check in with your breath. Ask yourself: is your breath rapid? Can you slow it down? 

When you take a moment to be mindful of your body and breath you can naturally calm the sensations in your body. You can literally be mindful and practice these techniques virtually anywhere: while washing your hands, while eating, while walking, even while rocking your child to sleep. All in all with these activities you are in fact practicing paying attention improving your focus and concentration.

Part 2 coming soon!

Check back soon for part 2 of 2 and learn more about the additional parts of self-compassion, including how to practice self-compassion on the go as a busy parent!