Summer of COVID (And other things)
I initially started writing this post with the intention of continuing to write about ways to cope and connect through the “Summer of COVID,” and we can get to that, but there’s much more than that going on right now, isn’t there?
I am not ashamed to say that my quarantine entertainment recommendations come from my students. One of the benefits of working with middle school students is that they always know what’s interesting¸ trending, and up and coming. Upon their recommendation, I binged Outer Banks on Netflix and am considering buying Animal Crossing to play on those rainy summer days. Most recently, after more than a few students told me it was a must see, I started watching All American. The story is about a student from South Crenshaw in L.A. who goes to play football at Beverly Hills High. It’s inspired by a true story, and I’ve always been a sucker for CW’s high school drama shows, so I was instantly hooked. By Episode 3, I had tears in my eyes as I watched two of the main characters, both young men of color, slammed onto the sidewalk as they were arrested. One of the boys asked the police officer who pulled him over why they were being stopped, and it escalated from there. Later in the episode, Jordan’s dad said that he was hoping by moving his son to Beverly Hills and out of Crenshaw that he would have had more time before he had to have “the talk” with his son about police interactions.
As I watched, I instantly thought of the students who recommended this show: students who identify as white and black, students who identify as boys and girls, students who have all watched this episode. I wondered: Have they talked about this with anyone? Do they talk to each other about the show? Would they even know where to start to talk about it? Has anyone talked with them about George Floyd or Ahmaud Arbery or Breonna Taylor?
I might have thought at one point that our students aren’t seeing these issues, but they are. They are so much more active on technology than we are, and with Snapchat and Buzzfeed covering these stories, they know. Are we as adults failing them because we are so focused on Distance Learning and Coronavirus that we forget about current events, that we forget about the reality of what they see and take in? These situations that are happening right now in America might be more important and more defining than COVID-19 and the “Summer of COVID,” but how do we talk about it?
Grief During Coronavirus
When you hear the word grief, do you instantly think about death? Grief comes in many forms. We may grieve the death of a loved one or pet, relationships that change or end, and even missed opportunities. Grief is simply the feeling of deep sorrow we experience when we have a loss. It is an emotion that can be physically expressed by a deep pang in the bottom of the stomach, a heavy weight in the chest, extreme exhaustion, lack of appetite, sleepless nights, crying, and rage. Do you recognize the feeling?
On September 11, 2001, I was in Spanish in a portable classroom at Rocky Hill Middle School as they announced to us we were being dismissed mid-morning. I distinctly remember the confusion in the moments and days that followed, the answers no one really had, and the feelings that accompanied those moments - grief. Similarly, my mother has told me that she remembers exactly where she was when JFK was shot in 1963. Although she was 12, the same age as I when 9-11 happened, and we didn’t talk about it until over 40 years after the event, it was all very vivid in her memory (she was also at school). Neither of us experienced personal loss during those events, yet we both experienced grief and the feelings that accompany grief.
So, what does this all have to do with your child and COVID-19? The events surrounding COVID-19 didn’t happen as abruptly as 9-11 or JFK, but they affected our state, country, and world. Just as 9-11 redefined air travel and JFK’s shooting redefined presidential security, the Coronavirus we are dealing with is redefining our social world as we know it. This pandemic will likely be a memory your child has forever as they will experience the effects for months to come, and it is more than likely that your child is grieving.
Your child has experienced an incredible amount of loss in the last two months. Along with losing their routine and their support network at school, they have lost their sense of normalcy. There is no visiting with friends to play, accompanying you to the grocery store to beg you to buy their favorite snacks, or practicing sports in person with their coaches. They are confused (rightfully so) and have questions that cannot be answered. Their confusion is compounded by the confusion we have as adults. We don’t know what summer will look like, we don’t know about their birthday, and we don’t know when we can hug our extended family again. They grieve for these moments.
Our children’s grief is experienced in many different ways. For graduating or moving students, the grief intensifies. They won’t get to hug their friends goodbye. They don’t get to clear out their lockers or jump through the doorway on their last day of school. For younger students, the grief is more confusing. They don’t have the language to explain why they are feeling what they are feeling -- they may not even have the words to name their grief.
So, how can you help your young person?
Cope & Connect During COVID-19
You wake up and get yourself some coffee, enjoying the few moments of quiet before you awaken the house. Once you start waking up your child(ren), the day involves making sure they are on their live sessions, helping them check off items on their to-do list, managing a meltdown or two, and corralling them back to their desk to finish their work. You feel pressure to be enjoying these moments, but in reality, you just want them to learn from their teachers at school, and you kind of feel guilty for those feelings. Sound familiar? You are not alone.
The times we are in are not fun-filled vacation times. Your young person is struggling with the disruption in their routine, and I would bet you are dealing with a mix of meltdowns, anxiety, trouble falling asleep, clinginess, difficulty paying attention, change in appetite, sadness, and/or frustration in your home right now. Let me repeat: you are not alone. Right now, your child needs you to help them figure out how to manage their feelings and survive this challenge. Right now, they need you to help them develop skills to cope and to connect. Let’s look at what this means and how to help.
Cope: Young people need to learn skills to manage their emotions in a healthy way. You may have noticed that your child is struggling to use the strategies they found helpful prior to this pandemic. Perhaps they are regressing or having more meltdowns. Let’s explore two different strategies to help your young person learn to cope.
How to Talk to Your Child about Kobe Bryant
As you have undoubtedly seen in the news, this past Sunday, Kobe Bryant along with his thirteen-year-old daughter, Gianna, and seven other individuals, died suddenly in a helicopter crash. Around the world, people of all ages felt waves of different emotions as the news of the crash circulated quickly through many media sources and was repeated over and over. Alerts popped up on devices, and some children were exposed to the news before they even had a chance to be told by their parents what had happened. Last night, his wife broke the silence on her own grief, noting that there weren’t enough words to describe her grief and pain. Have you asked your children or teens how they feel about Kobe’s death, yet?
If you don't know much about Kobe Bryant, he spent all of his 20 seasons in the NBA as an LA Laker, earned 18 All-Star selections, five championship rings, and two Olympic gold medals. Kobe, who joined the NBA at 17, and was only 41 when he died, left behind three daughters and a wife.
Connect with Tabletop Games
When is the last time you sat down to play a game with family or friends? I don’t mean video games (not that I have anything against video games). I’m talking about tabletop games. You may think these types of games as board games. I like the term tabletop (though most of the time I’m actually playing on the floor) because not all of the games you can play actually have boards. When you think tabletop games, your mind might go to games like Monopoly, Scrabble, Clue, Chess, The Game of Life, or other family favorites. In recent years however, it seems as though there has been a resurgence in world of tabletop games and there are so many new games to play.
This resurgence of games couldn’t come at a better time. The promise of technology to connect the world seems to be a double edge sword. On one hand we are more connected, and we have access to the world and information at our fingertips. But on the other hand, many of us are more isolated than ever before, trading our need for connection with distant “likes.” A saccharin like release of dopamine tricks us into believing we are connected. Most of us who are old enough to remember the time before all this connection know what it means to be truly connected. My concern is not for us but rather for our children who are growing up in a world where having your face glued to a screen is the norm.
Interpersonal skills do not develop without practice. Playing games together teaches some of these important skills. Through games, we learn to be competitive while being kind (with guidance). We learn how to deal with losing (again, with proper guidance). We learn problem solving and strategy. In co-op or team games we learn how to work together. Naturally, playing together will strengthen our relationships. Through games, we learn planning and we learn patience. We learn to read other’s body language while developing a deeper awareness of our own.
Easing Back-to-School Anxiety in Children and Teens: Tips for Parents
Back to school time can be stressful for most children, teens and their parents. For young people with anxiety, this stress is heightened. Their minds fill with “what ifs” and worst case scenarios, and without any real interactions at school for a couple months, anxious imaginations can go wild:
Will my teachers be nice? Will I fail a class? Will my friends remember me? Will I have to eat lunch alone? Will I get lost in the school building? Will people treat me kindly? What if I trip up the stairs? What if I don’t know anyone in my math class? What if I don’t understand anything in chemistry? I shouldn’t have signed up for that AP class. I shouldn’t have taken Photography and not Trig. What was I thinking? What am I doing? What am I going to do? I can’t handle this. I won’t be able to make it. I don’t want to go to school.
Just reading the thoughts above may feel overwhelming to you, but the truth is that for an anxious young person, this can be their reality. The worry center of the brain takes over, and a single worry about a teacher can start a downward spiral. That spiral ends with the young person deciding that school will be a terrible experience and saying they don’t want to go back in the fall.
Young people can learn to cope with their anxieties, but at first they may not know where to begin. Use the tips below to start to understand the anxiety and to help your young person have a positive return back to school.
When Your Child Asks You About a Mass Shooting: How to Talk to Children and Teens about Mass Shootings
This past weekend, in less than twenty four hours, there were two mass shootings. The weekend before yet another. Our children and teens are more plugged in than ever, more aware than ever. It is important to have an understanding of how to talk with them in an age-appropriate way. This includes what story to tell, how much detail to give and how to answer their questions.
Not sure how to handle the conversation? There's no one size fits all for any young person or any age, but these tips may help.
Let them lead the conversation. Depending on your child's age, they may have not heard one thing about the shooting (think early elementary or younger) or, on the opposite side of the spectrum, they could have over exposed themself already (think teens with their own technology).
If your child is younger than 7/8, and doesn’t bring up the shooting, you may not want to bring it up to them. You may end up scaring them and then having difficulty talking with them more. You may give them details they wouldn't have been exposed to otherwise. You may leave them with many more questions than answers. If they bring it up, allow them to share their feelings and to lead with any questions that they have.
If your child is 8/9 or older, they have likely been exposed to the story on their own, especially if they attend camp, daycare or school. Ask if they have heard about the shooting and what they have heard. Ask them their feelings. Ask them their thoughts. Let them lead you into the conversation that they are ready to have.
I Believe You - A Therapist's Open Letter to Parents & Caregivers Everywhere
I see you as you sit across from me in my office. You are talking to me for the first time, for the tenth time, or maybe for the fiftieth time. I’m glad you’re here to talk. Truly, I am.
I see you. You are a parent, a friend, a sister, a brother, a child, a boss, a partner, an employee, a co-parent, a human. The cleaner of the spilled milk (literally), the helper of the homework, the packer of the snacks. The juggler of the schedules and carpools. The overworked and in need of rest. The there all the time, the “there-sometimes,” the there. I see you as a person who has your own story, your own history, your own needs. I see you as a parent who cares so much (even if you feel so lost) and wants what is best for your child.
I hear you. I hear you as you talk about your frustration with not knowing how to help your child, with wishing you had an answer. I hear you when you say that you are lost, confused, and maybe even annoyed. I hear you searching for an answer on how to show your teenager how much you love him, on wanting to support your little one as she struggles to stay in her seat at school. I hear you when you say want to wrap them up in your arms and protect them. I hear you when you say want to see them learn to be more independent. I hear you when you say want everything for them but also need your own alone time, too.
How Do I Talk to My Child's Other Parent About Therapy?
You’ve noticed the signs. Your child seems different to you: more worried about things that didn’t use to bother him, more angry at times she used to be calm. Or maybe, your child has asked you directly to see a therapist. He wants someone to talk to about what’s next after graduation. She feels different than everyone else at school. You’ve searched around the internet, found some prospective therapists, and even made some calls.
Now is the time to talk to their other parent (your spouse or a co-parent) about getting them in for an appointment. You’re not sure how they will respond. They may be open and willing, or they may have questions or even concerns about the process. Either way, you know you have to have the conversation.
Try these suggestions to ease the discomfort of beginning to talk with them:
Is this a good time to talk? It may seem hard to wait until there is a special time to talk. The days are busy, and sometimes you and your spouse may not get time alone until the evening. If you are co-parenting, you may never have one-on-one time unless you plan it. Either way, conversations about the wellbeing of your child are not the best to be had if attention is low or time is sparse. When you’re ready to talk with your child’s other parent about therapy for your child, make sure that there is enough time for the conversation, that it is in a space where you can share all your feelings without worries about privacy or your child overhearing. It is also important that other parent is in a place where they can actually hear what you have to share. The importance of therapy disappears on the sidelines of games, over texts at work, or while dropping the children off for the weekend. How do you know when the right time is? Rather than assume, ask the direct question. If the answer is yes, great. If the answer is no, ask for a specific time during the next day or week to sit down together and talk about your concerns about your child.
I’ve noticed some changes with [child] including…and I’m concerned. What do you see? When you speak from a place of “I” you disarm defenses and open doors to more effective and neutral communication. Speak from your own perspective about the changes you have seen with your child. If your child has specifically asked for counseling, include their request to you in this observance, and share about the conversation if you feel comfortable. Then, allow the other parent to share their observations. Remember that the other parent may or may not see what you see, and they may not interpret the symptoms you’ve noticed the same way that you do. We interpret based on our own beliefs and experiences, so consider where your partner or co-parent may be coming from, and use empathy when listening to their opinion.
Check Us Out in Romper: 15 Subtle Things That Parents Do That Screw Kids Up The Most
Check out our featured tip in Romper’s article about parenting. Read more for the link!
5 Signs It’s Time to Get a Therapist for Your Child
Childhood and adolescence can be a confusing time for both children and for parents. At times, you may be staring at your child wondering: Is that really my child? Moods swing fast, behaviors quickly, and it can be hard to know what is part of growing up and what is something that needs extra attention. You want to be a supportive parent, and make sure they get the help they need, but you don’t want to overreact either. I get it, and I understand a lot of parents wonder: How do I know when it’s time to schedule my child with a therapist? If you notice one or more of these signs, it might be time to check in with a therapist.
The challenge you are noting (mood, behavior, self-esteem, etc.) is affecting your child or teen in multiple places. If you are starting to notice that your young person is struggling with a specific challenge in a variety of places: school, home, work, with friends, with family, sports, extracurriculars, other social arenas, etc., you may want to consider meeting with a counselor. It is typical for young people to show a little more emotion and boundary pushing at home, or for them to struggle at school sometimes. You may even be noticing that they keep it together all day at school but struggle at home only. Sometimes challenges spill over into several different environments, and then it is definitely time to seek outside help. Even if they are only struggling in one area, but it has been an excessive time, you may still consider calling a therapist.
Your child excessively worries. Does your child frequently ask you about what is going to happen? Do you notice them stressing about the future, the safety of themselves or others, social situations or maybe a specific fear? Anxiety can ripple out and affect people in crippling ways. If left untreated, it can become more detrimental overtime. It is important for your young person to learn what triggers their anxiety and to be taught skills to understand and cope with their feelings. An appointment with a therapist will also allow you time to learn more about anxiety and how to support your child on their journey to address their worries.
Your hear your child say things like “I’m worthless,” “No one likes me,” “I don’t matter.”
5 Ways to Show Yourself Some Love This Valentine’s Day
On Valentine’s Day, we are often inundated with messaging about showing love to others. While showing love to the special people in your life (family, friend or significant other) is important, what about showing love to yourself? Sometimes, we may think that showing yourself love or putting yourself number one is selfish, but if you don’t take care of yourself, how will you take care of others? If you don’t love yourself first, who will?
Try one of these five ways to show yourself some love this Valentine’s Day (or any day, really):
Treat Yourself: There are so many ways to treat yourself, so we suggest that you pick one and go for it. No time on actual Valentine’s Day? Commit to treating yourself this weekend. Some ideas: a long bath (with a bath bomb or some essential oils); a massage; a face mask; read a book; indulge in a chocolate or coffee you don’t usually allow yourself to get; spend time with an old friend; spend time with no one; go to bed early; stay up late; your choice!
Change Your Perception of Other Drivers on the Road
It is likely that driving is the most dangerous thing you do each day. Even when we’ve reached a point of comfort and boredom with driving, after we’ve acquired some not so safe habits of driving there remains within us a system that stays on high alert. This constant state of underlying vigilance leads us to having higher levels of adrenaline and cortisol. As we drive, little by little, with each time we have to unexpectedly brake or swerve our amygdala is recognizing danger and threat. We should be thankful to have such functions working within us. It is the part of the brain that is on the lookout, protecting us. It is, however, this constant “looking out” that colors our perception of the road, and our perceptions of other drivers.
As a driving instructor I’m am frequently hearing about how terrible all the other drivers on the road are. If this were actually true, there would be far more traffic incidents than already occur. But, with that being said, most of us do have room for improvement (myself included).
There are two things we can understand about our amygdala and it’s function that might help how we perceive other drivers on the road.
Think back to the last time you were on the road. It will probably be easier to recall the person who cut you off without using a turn signal rather than the hundreds who followed the rules of the road. The same brain function that protects us by constantly looking for problems and threats causes us to focus on the more dangerous driving.
Set an Intention (Not a Resolution) for The New Year
The New Year - the time to reflect on the previous 365 days and start to think about the next - is coming. I am on a list-serve for people who are looking for sources to write articles for them, and I have seen so many requests for ‘attainable goals’ and ‘resolutions people should actually set’ for next year. I have a different idea: set an intention not a goal or resolution.
So, why trade the check boxes for something more abstract? I’ll tell you why. Where your mind goes, your actions will follow. What is the quote - you become what you think about all day long - right? So, if you wake up and you set an intention for your day, that thought is cemented in your mind. With that thought in mind, you may catch yourself acting in line with your intention during the day. You may also catch yourself acting in ways that do not align with your intention, too, but my guess is that you may have not noticed those actions had you not set your intention, and now that you notice them, you can choose what to do about them. Make sense?
What is an intention? An intention is a guiding principle, something that we have purposefully chosen to try to incorporate into our lives. In my mind, an intention is set to grow something (often within ourselves) rather than obtain something (like a slimmer body or a fancy new car). Our intention drives where our will goes, and where our will goes, so does our action. More simply: our intention is the purpose behind our action.
Why set an intention rather than a goal or resolution? If you read this last paragraph and your eyebrows raised and you thought about just hitting the back button right now, look, I get it. When I first started hearing people talk about intentions and desires and manifesting, I was ready to quietly back towards the door, too. I was all about checking things off of my list. If I could set a goal, I could accomplish it by paritalizing and knocking off those to-dos one by one. I either succeeded or I failed. It was black and white. An intention isn’t like that. An intention isn’t so cut and dry, and it is isn’t so tangible. That is a little weird and scary when you’re not used to it, so stay with me here.
Why I Stopped Giving Assists in Yoga, Even Though I Love Them The Most
My love language is touch. It is how I express caring and how I most readily feel loved. When practicing yoga in a class, being assisted is always one of my favorite parts. For most of the 6 years that I have been teaching, I’ve assumed that everyone wanted to be assisted, never asking preference at the beginning of classes. The honest reason, despite The Four Agreements teaching us to not make assumptions, is because I had just never given it any thought. Now with that being said, I do know that many of my students have expressed appreciation for assists and adjustments that I have given them, but still to generalize is an assumption. As of about a month ago, I decided to stop assisting in my classes, for a variety of reasons.
Most basically, when I learned about The 5 Love Languages, it deepened my realization of how we can all be a little different from one another. Some people just don’t like to be touched. Also, although I believe I am tuned in enough to another person so as to not cause pain or injury, I know that there are many instructors who are not and I also know that I could be completely wrong about the assessment I just made of myself, and would not want to cause pain to others.
On a deeper level, the rise of the #metoo movement brought a deeper awareness of this issue of trauma. According to NSVRC one in six men and one and three women have or will have experienced so form of sexual violence in their lifetime. Although many students have expressed gratitude for assists, some are just kind. By being kind, they may have not mentioned if I had somehow triggered an old trauma, and just kept that part to themselves. It is even possible that I have had students stop coming to my class or worse stop practicing yoga altogether for that reason.
Is There Specific Training My Dog Needs to Become a Therapy Dog?
Short Answer: No.
Long, ethical and less likely to get you in long-term trouble answer: Yes. You might be surprised to learn, there is no regulating body for therapy dogs. Same with service dogs. No one controls the training they "must" go through to be working dogs in the helping field. There are many websites out there claiming to register your dog and give it special identification. These websites are charging people to give them certificates and patches that are essentially useless outside of show. Yes, maybe you like the vest (I just ordered Franklin one from Chewy) but there is no requirement to register your dog or put your dog through a specific training.(Side note: The ADA does not require service dogs to be registered. Actually, mandatory registration of a service animal (as a service animal) is not legal under the ADA, and the ADA states clearly on their website that a service animal does not need any professional training (it still has to be trained to do one task that is not a typical dog task that assists with a diagnosed disability), nor does it need any sort of identification like cards, vests, or special leashes. If you have a service animal, it is illegal for someone to question you more than asking if “the dog is a service animal required because of a disability” and “what work or task the dog has been trained to perform.” That's it. Now, let me remind you that it is extremely unethical (and maybe even illegal) to misrepresent yourself as disabled just to bring a dog into a public place.)But this article is about therapy dogs, so I will try to stay focused for the rest of the time! The American Kennel Club is a highly regarded all breed dog registry but not a governing body over dog training. Interestingly enough (I'm distracted again), there is no governing body over yoga instructors either but the Yoga Alliance has taken steps to increase the credibility of yoga instructor training, just as the AKC has taken steps to increase the training of therapy dogs. And this is important! Training a dog is no easy task! It takes consistency, commitment, time and money. If every therapist out there just took their pet to work and called it a therapy animal, there would likely be a lot negative interactions between "therapy animals" and clients.
For my training with Franklin, after extensive research I chose to go by AKC standards. For the purpose of this article, the training needed I speak of will be based on their standards.The American Kennel Club has a Therapy Dog Program which they write they created to “recognize” therapy dogs and the work that they are doing as volunteers. Interesting, right? Recognizing not regulating. Anyway, to qualify you have to meet three qualifications: be certified/registered by an AKC recognized therapy dog organization, be registered with the AKC, and perform the number of visits for the title you are applying for (we’ll get to that).
My YTT Story - BJ
My YTT Story - Courtney
Before I found myself signing up for my teacher training, I was repeating over and over how I did not want to teach yoga, only practice. Despite saying that, I sought out a teacher training and signed up. Looking back, I am not even sure when or how I changed my mind. When I entered into teacher training, I was unsure of myself or what the experience would be like. During my YTT, I was challenged in ways I didn’t expect to be, leading me to becoming a person I didn’t expect that I could become. Yes, I learned about the body and I learned about the postures but I also learned yoga philosophy, which guided me to follow my bliss and to learn what I needed to, whatever that was, to find myself again. By graduation, I uncovered my "self" - the part of me that I had buried down deep inside while I was busy being the person I thought everyone else wanted me to be.My yoga teacher training set a fire inside of me.
Therapy Animals: We're More Than Just Good Looks & Charm!
Last week, I tackled the difference between service animals, emotional support animals, and therapy animals. This week, a quiz! Just kidding.
On a more serious note, do you know how many different types of therapy animals there are out there? Today, we take a step away from learning about canine assisted therapy to focus on some other species and the different benefits they bring. Sometimes they are “friendly visitors,” like the pioneers of social work in the 1800s, other times their work is more therapeutically structured. Either way, therapy animals are cute and often times cuddly, but they bring way more than just their good looks and charm!
There are a lot of great programs locally that work with therapy animals besides canines! Most recently in Harford County, The Center for Trauma, Stress and Anxiety starting an Equine Therapy Program. Equine therapy can assist with treating PTSD, anxiety and depression, along with attachment and other trauma related disorders. There are also many different kinds of Equine Assisted Therapies including therapies for mental health, occupational or physical therapies, and personal/professional development. I have had clients in the past who struggled to connect to talk, play or art therapies have great success working with horses, and I believe that this occurred because of the power of the human-animal bond.
If you know of any other species of therapy animals being used in Harford County, e-mail me so that I can highlight them!
What’s a “therapy animal” anyway?
Have you ever heard of Sigmund Freud? Father of Psychoanalysis. Freud’s chow, Jofi (or Yofi), often sat through therapy sessions with him. Freud observed that Yofi helped reduce tension in the room and that patients, especially child and adolescent patients, would open up more. Jofi would sit closer to people he sensed were depressed, allowing comfort, and further away from those he sensed we anxious, allowing space. Jofi was also apparently a great time keeper, beginning to yawn and pace around fifty minutes into the session. Jofi was a therapy dog before the term 'therapy dog' even existed. What a pioneer! Over my next few blog posts, I will be breaking down the ins and outs of Animal Assisted Therapy to help my readers (and friends, colleagues and clients) get a better understanding of what Animal Assisted Therapy actually is, and how it helps others. This week, we start with understanding just what exactly a Therapy Animal is and the difference between service animals, emotional support animals and therapy animals.